Monday, June 17, 2013


So what?
Now I don't,
and to you it means nothing.
It's no big deal that I no longer break bread with demons
or council with those driven by beguilers that cry "Nekum!" in the night.

It means nothing because to you, it is nothing.
So therefore doesn't exist.
Nor can my cry in the darkness that is your company.
Feeling the tendrils of demons who were washed away in a prior age.
Their council echoed through the mouth of recent company.

That way was a trap that I fell into before.
The exact same, with bait of a different flavor,
sweet of smell and wonderful to the eye.
But experience is experience
and knowledge is knowledge
and pain is pain
and fortitude is the measure of willingness to listen to ones self
and step through the difficult transition.
And so I must, for the council of demons is one that I can't abide.
The offense of fact I won't tolerate
and the end result of a little leaven is something to be fought.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Now I feel centered!

Monday, April 29, 2013

Dead to the world

Hutchinson UR Team - Sea Otter Volkswagen 2013 on Pinkbike

Something is wrong! And here, in the sun, and on the bike, with my senses completely on and tuned, seems the only happiness. Nothing else is believable. Nothing else is trustable. Nothing else is real.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Gosh DAMN I still miss you!

Monday, January 28, 2013

My Girl Amari

Amari, pale and mixed in waspish repose,
like someone I think I know,
but don't know if I know
for the chance literally escaped me.

But what do I know, as I'm just a dead beat
with a tiny core of logic all my own,
fighting to dodge the captivity of ignorant birds;
their busy beeks tearing at my heart.

And still it's there,
and always will be I suspect.
The quandry of decision
And the great chance of loss from either fork.

Will I have that word with the old man at the gate
in that Kate Bush quantum manner,
watching him recollect what I'm yet to anticipate.
And he, with the dulling of years, regurgitates.

But what do I know, as I'm just a dead beat
with a tiny core of logic all my own,
fighting to dodge the captivity of ignorant birds;
their busy beeks tearing at my heart.

But Amari, you know what others should know
as you lay there between sheets you'll never lay between
and tell me that my heart has been destroyed by honesty
and made low by love.

And Thank You Amari, for telling me what you're telling me.
That mine is a concern without end,
save for my own end.
A concern of brutal energy, quaking the foundations of the earth,
correct, and powered of tears,
made to mean nothing by the chirping of ugly birds,
flying the routes of Khazarian masters.

But what do I know, as I'm just a dead beat
with a tiny core of logic all my own,
fighting to dodge the captivity of ignorant birds;
their busy beeks tearing at my heart.


Friday, December 07, 2012

Piles of steaming horse 5h1t

So in my usual consideration of links and backgrounds, I go a stumbling... usual...

...and this time, it's onto this:

Psychology of self-esteem

Branden argues that self-esteem is a human psychological need and that to the extent this need remains unmet, pathology (defensiveness, anxiety, depression, difficulty in relationships, etc.) tends to result.[12] He defines self-esteem formally as “the disposition to experience oneself as competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and as worthy of happiness,”[13] and proposes that, while others (parents, teachers, friends) can nurture and support self-esteem in an individual, self-esteem also relies upon various internally generated practices. These consist, in Branden’s framework, of six “pillars” of self-esteem:[14]
  • Living consciously: the practice of being aware of what one is doing while one is doing it, i.e., the practice of mindfulness.
  • Self-acceptance: the practice of owning truths regarding one’s thoughts, emotions, and behaviors; of being kind toward oneself with respect to them; and of being “for” oneself in a basic sense.
  • Self-responsibility: the practice of owning one's authorship of one's actions and of owning one’s capacity to be the cause of the effects one desires.
  • Self-assertiveness: the practice of treating one's needs and interests with respect and of expressing them in appropriate ways.
  • Living purposefully: the practice of formulating goals and of formulating and implementing action plans to achieve them.
  • Personal integrity: the practice of maintaining alignment between one’s behaviors and convictions.
Branden distinguishes his approach to self-esteem from that of many others by his inclusion of both confidence and worth in his definition of self-esteem, and by his emphasis on the importance of internally generated practices for the improvement and maintenance of self-esteem. For this reason, he has at times expressed lack of enthusiasm about the teachings of the “self-esteem movement”,[15] which he is sometimes credited with having spawned. (He has been referred to as “the father of the self-esteem movement.”[16])

Funny how much this sounds like someone I know. Some parts more then other. Some parts exactly alike! But even more important or curious is this question: Do some people tailor their behaviors, explanation of self, and acknowledged pathologies to those known (however well founded) or those written of at length by people with names and titles?

To rephrase, does a person decide that they have some disorder then on a conscious or sub-conscious level take on the attributes of that disorder? Or are they indeed victims of these disorders as opposed to molding themselves to fit?

Now the more important follow on question: Do people fail to overcome these disorders because of the mechanics of the disorder? Or.....?

Concerning that question, I like to think of what someone in the near past said to me and some co-workers. I'll paraphrase it as, "People are always coming up with excuses to just act bad". Now inspite of the fact that I think of this cat as being a fundamental brute (with ultimate and logical ends that are far FAR less then civil), I also believe he's correct. This however implies that the people doing the bad "CAN" stop doing bad regardless of their issues. And with the exception of small number of disorders, I believe this 100%.

But some will continue to wax on about their upbringings, unfortunate events, the general difficulties of their lives, etc..., and never address the core fact that they want to do bad. Whatever their disorder du jour is, it creates an effective smoke screen or cover that allows them room to manuever with near impunity knowing they need only play that "Get out of Jail Free" disorder card to deflect the full weight of responsibility and back lash.

Free BDKR Pro Tip time: If there is always some condition, state, intense feelings, or past events that gets in the way of them just simply saying, "I'm sorry, I fucked up", then they're maneuvering. And believe me, with enough of that, they'll be back to their slop in no time.

All of this reminds me of some lyrics by Bjork:

I go humble
you're so curiously pure
only before you I'm humble


I should be arrested
for my emotional stunts
only before you I'm humble

On the surface these lyrics prolly do seem innocuous, but they aren't. They point to someone that is variable, impetuous, and given to filth. In short, this all smells like shit and looks familiar.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012


Every 4/10, I miss you, tho I've never met you. But how I wish I had the chance. You were brave and naive. A transient combination through which we all must pass.

And the passing is important.

The world is never as simple as we initially see it and never so pliable as the effects of love would need.

But love should be the motive force alone, with all things else driven by it's engine. It's tears capable alone of melting the stone of cold confused hearts. It's allowance and understanding providing the needed space of introspection. And it's bonding agents compelling the clear and long view of logic, which births the fires of ingenuity in the interest of the survival of those dearest.

And yours was an engine regal and rife with possibility. The chambers of it's heart engorged with the wonderful and angry energy of righteous concern. Fighting through the manufactured confusion into the bright sonlight of truth with tears and majesty and children under your wings.

 Bel Dan