Being shut out...

...the above song is fitting.

But there at the very end, when I understood, my love grew.

And that love still exists.

Bolstering and empowering it is. :-)

Devin Townsend, Juular

Say goodbye, you know I've tried...
But now the time to mourn has died.
It's cold inside the worm... nothing ever bothers me now.

Lady Vagine, you know I'm dying...
But to my surprise, the punishment subsides.
It's cold inside, my son.

Nothing ever bothers you now.

I survive!
Nothing ever bothers Juular!
Eye for an eye, I survived and God damned you... hey!!!
I survive!
Nothing ever bothers Juular!
Eye for an eye, I survive and God damns you!

...God damns you!

Lady of mine, you know I'm trying...
But to buy the buy, this boy must die...
It's cold inside, my love.
...Nothing ever bothers me now.

I survive!
Nothing ever bothers Juular!
Eye for an eye, I survived and God damned you... hey!!!
I survive!
Nothing ever bothers Juular!
Eye for an eye, I survive and God damns you!

Say goodbye... you know I tried
Say goodbye... you know I tried
Say goodbye... you know I tried
Say goodbye... you know I tried

Juular!!!

Whateve.....

With so many things to consider, such a hard decision to make, such a well of experience to overcome, and such a fresh wound, I can't begin to imagine where I would be were it not for what music and speed allows me.

I am a rat

How many holes should a boat have before declaring your need to disembark? A myriad little ones? One big one? And how much does your desire for said boat affect or postpone your decision to bail out? What if the boat is listing? What if the stern is dropping? What is the engines have flooded?

Or instead, what if all the evidence suddenly disappears? Or all the staff start lying about the nature of what's going on, regardless of what's evident?

Me personally, I'm an OK swimmer. As long as I'm not too far from shore, I'm OK. Give me a good sized hunk of flotsam and it's on.

OTOH, I don't know I can outswim the wake of a boat going down. Will it drag me to the bottom? Even if I get off now, is it too late? Will get far enough away before it slips below the surface, however quickly?

What will I do?

What do I do?

This is a difficult decision. I have so much desire and affection for this craft of fine sexy lines. But she is doomed by a wayward command structure. Made weak by engines lacking fortitude. Made brittle by a questionable build process. I could damn and destroy myself the yard that built her. A process rife with confusion, vexation, and derision. The wake of their evil is a net spread wide, catching many unawares.

But I should've known that an ocean going craft built 1700 miles from the ocean would be built by those without a clue.