Change

I feel gripped by something. Something deep within. Dark, dull, and bland framed in variants of grey. Something at a core level that's hungering but sounding continually like low intensity
warfare. Everyday a signal. Everyday a pang of hunger. A wave of nausea or ripple of emptiness. Somewhere it's there in the dark ocean of experience sounding deep. A psychological current
of injury: torn halves broadcasting in painful alarm. And that something at the core asking over and over again in a voice nearly silent and a language I don't understand.

So out of a faux winter I'm supposed to be emerging, but my head feels heavy and my shoulders weak. I've vented the energies of anger and injury and left myself to trundle and blunder.
I've said OK to love and allowed the full spectrum of damage. Voices from far off and inaudible, sounding attacks even still. Duplicitous monsters spanning multiple generations.

It's time I watch me change. It's time I watch me re-attach wings and stand upright. You see, I was right all along, and wrong to doubt it.

And for that reason alone, I'm angry.

Ever the fool....

...I believe in Love. And to speak and impart Love with honesty is everything.

Arwen spoke it with conviction and never wavered! Does anyone like this exist in the real?

Owned

Back and down I lay, voyaging into the eve, near a kernel of soft glow tinged incarnadine, longing for Saya. I am gripped by the rememberance of her taking and empty with longing. With tears my eyes for the possesor of my heart, who silently approaches from victories far off, but for the sound of swift arrows.

My owner, desiring me in the deep pitch, and in pastures of dark green aliance, sensing my anticipation and surrender.

My owner, slight, wrapped in silk, with eyes dark as oblivion cased in brilliant xanthic shimmer.

My owner, for whom my loins cry.

Backward and downward I lay, my cherished, at the bottom of night, imagining your taking once again. Pinned by you, my powerful killer. Helpless and mastered, sliding over a shelf of self control into a deep trench of experience. Pulsed further with each wave. Rythmic and all powerful. In that soft light, I see the outline of your head, beautiful and purposeful. And the outline of your hips, inbound and stronger then the last. Crushing me. Controlling me.

The sweet scent of candles hang about. The soothing hush of wind through the leaves. My head pressed deep into warm pillows.

And at the hollow of my neck you puncture. And from the flow of my heart, you feed, dearest Saya. My wonderful wife. My killer in the dark hours. My lover from the dark realms, vibrating with satisfaction. I, captured and drunk with sensation, tingling to my now numb hands, quaking through my core, and sounding out instinctually, I slide off into the deepest dream to always wake at your breast. Fed and cradled.

Venture far not, my cherished, beautiful, kind, and wonderful killer. Silent and invisible in the afternoon bright. Return swiftly, Saya, my love, for my battles end at sunset and my longings rest with you.

Sun Goddess

I was in love before. When it was done with me, it sent me far beyond the borders of the present. It moved me across soft lands of antiquity and over deep watery graves. Through the skies of renaissance and over the horrors of revolution to where I circled above the grey layer with a swarm of bombers. The myriad gentlemen below, forever wet, and forever pondering.

All the time this happens, it seems, on triple 7's or RB211's. Over water and space. Over nothing of consequence and normally taking me someplace of little consequence. Taking me someplace just as empty as the last. Just as gutting as the previous. Someplace requiring my own vanity and imagination to keep from going mad.

Will this always be the wreckage of love? Am I the only fool? Will I continue to let these things sap rage and energy?

The truth? All I feel comfortable in now is being lost. Lost someplace with rocky shores or thorny desserts. Waters made clear by the stains of a barbaric history or beaches rocky and littered with jellyfish. With people that don't know me, but will hug me and feed me just the same. For it seems those hospitable strangers are far safer then those that declare love, honesty, and fidelity.

Being shut out...

...the above song is fitting.

But there at the very end, when I understood, my love grew.

And that love still exists.

Bolstering and empowering it is. :-)

Devin Townsend, Juular

Say goodbye, you know I've tried...
But now the time to mourn has died.
It's cold inside the worm... nothing ever bothers me now.

Lady Vagine, you know I'm dying...
But to my surprise, the punishment subsides.
It's cold inside, my son.

Nothing ever bothers you now.

I survive!
Nothing ever bothers Juular!
Eye for an eye, I survived and God damned you... hey!!!
I survive!
Nothing ever bothers Juular!
Eye for an eye, I survive and God damns you!

...God damns you!

Lady of mine, you know I'm trying...
But to buy the buy, this boy must die...
It's cold inside, my love.
...Nothing ever bothers me now.

I survive!
Nothing ever bothers Juular!
Eye for an eye, I survived and God damned you... hey!!!
I survive!
Nothing ever bothers Juular!
Eye for an eye, I survive and God damns you!

Say goodbye... you know I tried
Say goodbye... you know I tried
Say goodbye... you know I tried
Say goodbye... you know I tried

Juular!!!

Whateve.....

With so many things to consider, such a hard decision to make, such a well of experience to overcome, and such a fresh wound, I can't begin to imagine where I would be were it not for what music and speed allows me.

I am a rat

How many holes should a boat have before declaring your need to disembark? A myriad little ones? One big one? And how much does your desire for said boat affect or postpone your decision to bail out? What if the boat is listing? What if the stern is dropping? What is the engines have flooded?

Or instead, what if all the evidence suddenly disappears? Or all the staff start lying about the nature of what's going on, regardless of what's evident?

Me personally, I'm an OK swimmer. As long as I'm not too far from shore, I'm OK. Give me a good sized hunk of flotsam and it's on.

OTOH, I don't know I can outswim the wake of a boat going down. Will it drag me to the bottom? Even if I get off now, is it too late? Will get far enough away before it slips below the surface, however quickly?

What will I do?

What do I do?

This is a difficult decision. I have so much desire and affection for this craft of fine sexy lines. But she is doomed by a wayward command structure. Made weak by engines lacking fortitude. Made brittle by a questionable build process. I could damn and destroy myself the yard that built her. A process rife with confusion, vexation, and derision. The wake of their evil is a net spread wide, catching many unawares.

But I should've known that an ocean going craft built 1700 miles from the ocean would be built by those without a clue.

Understanding yet more.

Ortman PISD Trauma PT1 from E-Summits on Vimeo.

Ortman PISD Trauma PT2 from E-Summits on Vimeo.

I'm understanding some whys.

And I'm putting back on the jacket called rage.

Someone is singing my tune again

Oh hold the rifle up to my chin
Your bell rings out, it's deceiving
The womb is the safest place I've ever been
So carry me home baby, let me back in

No way

Oh hello psycho, is that you in the mirror again?
I can't escape the feeling you'll be here till the end
I've been kissing the grave of a ghost that breathes
The ghost has an army of thieves and they're coming for me
Hey yeah

I won't believe in dying to live
I won't pay for what I do not need
I want to release
I want to be free

Storms

The storms we find ourselves in are normally the result of our own navigation.

Vandana revisited

Vandana,
Dearest
You were there, as you've always been
holding my heart with delicacy and honesty
as you always have

Yours, the pump of a stone cold killer
That tiny core of anger,
clothed in the lines of determination.
My majestic
My beautiful

Where have I been that your love seems so new found?
To whose arms have I wandered?
Un-pure and infirm
In whose hands have I placed my gentle core
to be fumbled and treated roughly?
To what place have I gone, that you've not recieved the attention promised?

My truest love,
beaming through that morning fog
and in our coupling, amplifying my anger
You shook me to the surface with pressure and roar
And cradled me with acceleration
You planted my feet while bathing me in light
And caressed me with subtle drifts

And in our coupling, you amplified my anger

Together, we sang with rage and cracked the mantle
Together, we crushed impediments and tore at their ears
Together, we purred and cooed in the pure calm of velocity
Together, we gave no quarter to infidelity
Or at least you did,
for I wandered and gave my chest to another
who even now tramples me into the depths of a damp hot earth
and drains the container of my concern

Aramus / The Rationale of Tearing

Under the surface of the potters creation rocks on new found war
I plant my feet again and push outwards in the creation of a realm singular
I am Aramus, vainly wearing the gloves of logic
Exploding with the power of betrayal and dying

In my care, you are warm
In your suckling, you are secure
In my arms, you are protected
And in the darkness, I've become unknown

One is not be traded for another, for where a thing is spoken, it must be done
And how is it that I say this, in the aeon of the rod, and the rage of the potter?
I am plauged by the vision of detail
I could've suckled you for an eternity, but disparate utterance betrays you

I am Aramus, bristling with anger, and torn with conflict
For I am that nurturing soul
Arms open, elbows bending for embrace, and lips reassuring
Rejected by temerity and betrayed by the foolishness of logical ends

In my care, you are warm
In your suckling, you are secure
In my arms, you are protected
And in the darkness, I've become unknown

Love just one!
Gird your bond with singular intent and protect those reactions
We are our own enemies
When our bonding is not guided or constrained

In my care, you are warm
In your suckling, you are secure
In my arms, you are protected
And in the darkness, I've become unknown
Shrinking away from you surely
Further removed everyday
behind a facade of absolute care
Till one day there is nothing there

Loops in time

I can't sleep,
I won't drink.
And I wish my guitar was here

"Is that bad?"
I can't say.
Or am I just cold out here?

I'm not dead yet,
but already
I'm wandering.

But ye, "we made out",
some say.
But it only seems so.

What you see in my face is our future meeting in hell
And when you're back in this place, you won't see me again till hell

Time
poured down a hole
And here it's done again

Attention
poured down a hole
And here it's done again

I gave time
my precious time
I GAVE MEEEE!!!!!

Or should
"I love the fact that"
that nothing is what it seems?

What you see in my face is our future meeting in hell
And when you're back in this place, you won't see me again till hell

What is shown in my face is the blackness closing in
But ye, "you're just a sweet heart", with an alluring din

Why am I here?
This place is fucked!
How did I lie to myself?
This place is fucked!
NONE OF THIS WAS MY IDEA!!!!!
This place is fucked!
Can I come home now? I'm lost!
This place is fucked!

A Letter to God

A letter to God

From the land of griefs
Date: we are still in mourning

Our Father in Heaven, Lord of the universe
A thousand fold we believe in you
From the fields of suffering, these words are sent to you
From the foot of the mountains that have been starved
From the peaks whence the eagle in despair hath fallen on a thorny cluster and died
From the seas which no longer have islands
Only the sails of painful memory
From an embryo with it's life shackled
That is all this letter is about

Our Father in Heaven, oh lord whose orphans are fed up with prayers
Our Father in Heaven, years it has been now and still we pray to you
Our Father in Heaven, we are still starving and naked
Our Father in Heaven, we are still the remains of refugees

S. Al Kassem

On a lighter note....

I'm always happen when I can take....


if(!isset($category_id) || !(int)$category_id>0)
{
$category_id=0;
}

if(!isset($product_id) || !(int)$product_id>0)
{
$product_id=0;
}

if(!isset($remove))
{
$remove="";
}

if(!isset($active))
{
$active="";
}

if(!isset($inactive))
{
$inactive="";
}

if(!isset($action))
{
$action="";
}


...and condense it down too...


foreach(array('remove', 'active', 'inactive', 'action') as $v)
{ if(!isset($$v)) { $$v=''; } }


Writing code is therapeutic. :-)

Monsters or Suspicions Confirmed

Reading as usual and reading alot. Vandana being down has me riding the bus (which isn't that bad really) and affords me more time to dig into what it is i've been digging into. But this morningis different. The last two days were just plain awesome and peaceful. Something about not having to drive and worry about gas and stuff is extremely liberating. I just sit and am carried alongwhile blasting Dev and reading.

But this morning hurt a lot. This really is a dark place we live in. One covered with the veneer of hope and prosperity. There really are evil forces pulling the levers of our minds and controlling the flows of our resources and livelihood. White devils in dark recesses with Malthusian intent, spurned on by the washing of eugenicist squawk from robed killers. We've been taught to pay them homage and give to them our energy via our ignorance. We catch bullets for them. We kill innocents for them. We aid their thefts and fund their genocides. We allow the machinations of chaos believing whatever is said without question, of ever increasing revolutions of varying hues, that with elation portend prosperity, but deliver the goods of mis-guided democracy: austerity and misery.

I cried when I learned the truth of Yugoslavia and grew angry at the assault on Ossetia. I cried for those that died in Russia, and will soon die in Africa. I ache for those close that have no idea of what's coming, having thier fetuses posoined and men made poor and rural. Profit centers via low level sicknesses lasting abreviated and miserable lifetimes. I

Is this the same misery wrought upon the world as The English brought to bear during the age of Victoria? She, who traversed the exapanse with boat loads of Maxim guns and Bibles. She, who was once the center of a watery empire, now a player in a modern version, even more whoresome and deadly. More seductive carrying viruses far stronger then before and modern Maxims of might un-imagined, guided by that same old cabal who many years ago escaped north westward across the Mediterranean.

Why do I have to live in these times? Why do I have to stuggle in a sea of pawns controlled by a cadre of killers? Do we really not see ourselves as the robots we've become? Do we really not understand that we are programmed to be ignorantly complicit? Have we really become zombies? Were we always?

I don't know.

But I had better soon find out, for I now know for sure, that they wish to prune the dark continent and cripple the loins of my brothers. Encirlce the thrice empire, previously choked and looted, and breakup the dragon. Foment and scatter those of Altaic song and make their soil The Hearland. Melt the ice of places high and south, traversed by Bolivar and Sucre. And yet they still enslave their own.

They! The monsters of the Grove. Mackinders devils. Ahabs offspring. Working diligently in the darkness and going up the hill backwards. Crippling us with legality and dumbing us with the water. It's been said that grasping removes us from the situation...

...but I don't know.

But I, a lone battery standing outside the flow of an energy stream made up of an ignorant consortion, don't know.

But I had better find out soon. Is there a door out there open for me? Do I have an ear to hear the trumpet? Or am I doomed to fight against and die by the slow and secret with the downtrodden and lost?

Jen_Fer::An Apology

My zeal forbids me
Even now in the darkness of seperation
In the coldness as a wandering star
I Love my father
I Love my master

But alas, I've lain in the bosom of one most beautiful
and smelled the nectars of the grove
Those scopes, topped with the most perfect brow
in cool arctic azure
The earth misses and objects the absence of presence
The donkey blocks in the way
And in it's neighing, singing the name of one missed

"Father, please!
Those eyes!
That face!
That heart and soul.
My love goes out to her from the distance.
My thoughts, steeped in concern, circle the vision of her visage.
Peel off the slightest bit of energy for my love,
whom I've turned my back on, and miss deeply.
May she forgive my trespass."

In that short wonderful time
In the hot sunset of nations
I fell in love
I coalesced with her temporal
and spoke with her mystical
but never ate at that table
and never bowed to the east!

Ruff!

Don't chase a dog into a corner then get pissed when he bites!

FRACKING RANT!!!!

It seems the more I work with Ruby the more I like, but the more I like it, them more I'm reminded of why I don't like. <-- ROFL!!!!!

Seriously tho, there are a lot of different things to like about languages, or dislike.

Same even with spoken langauges. Turkish vs German as an example. As a native english speaker, the whole agglutination that is a very important aspect of Altaic languages (like Turkish) DROVE ME NUTS!!!!

German OTOH, is A LOT more like English (and even sounds like it when you really listen).

But back to the topic of agglutination, here comes Ruby where you can do ish like...

"User.find(ul.id).orders.all.map { do | order | the_order = order.payments.where(:type => 'some_string').first }"

!!!!!!!

And that's nothing compared to stuff I've seen!

So do you see what's going on here? You take one thing, which in this case is "User.find", then start taking all kinds of shit on to the end of it.

Now slowing down for a moment here, there is a lot going on in that single line of code. This alone points to the power and flexibility of the language. My issue here is that this precludes a "first glance" understanding of what's going. While the code can be read rather easily, it still "must" be read. The problem here is that it's not that easy for someone that's new or new"er" to the language to quickly grok. And never mind what the engine has to do in the back end

And never mind the fact that some will come along and write lines of code twice as long as that with pride and swollen chest.

It's almost like the age of high diction vs listening to someone who spent a career in the Marines.

More to the point here, I'm not sure if I feel it's bad that the language supports it or that the community demands it.

It's my opinion that a well placed comment with short terse directive lines of code is better then the single mega-line.

Hmmm...... RISC vs CISC?

Perhaps it's my feeling that only the minimal amount of complexity need be accepted. A system is going to have a given amount of complexity based on what it's designed or hoped to do. Anything beyond that is garbage.

Where Ruby is concerned, the complexity tends to be in the expression, as condoned and expected by the community. Where rails is concerned, the "additional" complexity is in convenience and forced convention.

Do I like Ruby? Well yeah actually. A lot of cool shit it does.

That said, I hate Rails!!!!!! I do not approve of forced convention. I'll take CI or my own take on an MVC framework anyday. More flexible and brutally fast. Less to grok in the effort of just getting someting done. Of course, if you do something stupid, the framework isn't going to come to your rescue. But hey(!), that's one of those trade offs right?

I'll take PHP and Python any day over Ruby. They may not be as "expressive" as Ruby, but they can do some cool ish as well!

PHP in particular feels like English. A language that allows the use of elegance when desired or the situation demands, but is still just as cool when the going (should) get(s) simple and the grunts need to understand.

Perhaps I'm too influenced by Larry Walls' comment about complexity.

Perhaps what I'm really bitching about (once again) is the community.

Perhaps I'm bitching about other things related to being a code monkey.

Perhaps I need to train some monkeys of my own damnit!